Normal Just Hates Me Today
by Schrodinger no Neko
Summary: Sometime after the series ends (I haven't read House of Hades yet so may be plot inconsistencies) Percy returns home, to what he thinks will be as close to a normal life as possible. Well, that isn't happening. Series of one-shots. Warning: If you can't stand randomness or humorous fics, don't read.
1. Chapter 1:Owl Pellets!

**I don't own anything. Read and review please!**

**OWL PELLETS **

Percy scrambled into his biology class just after the bell rang.  
"Late again, Jackson?" asked the teacher.  
"Sorry." He sat down and pulled out a pencil and paper.  
"As you know," began the teacher, "lately we have been studying blah blah blah and blah and whatever and today we will be dissecting-"  
Squeals of disgust rose from a few of the girls in the class. "EWWW!" they chorused.  
"Well, today we will be dissecting-" [insert dramatic music] "-OWL PELLETS!"

_Owl pellets. Hmm. _Percy tried not to think of Annabeth, his amazing girlfriend who he hadn't seen since school started about a month ago. _Do not think of her. She is not an owl, or a pellet. That's creepy. It's just that Annabeth is a daughter of Athena, and her symbol is an owl, and the owl pellets were made by owls, and they are a symbol of_-Percy shook his head. _Enough crap about owl pellets. _  
"Jackson! Pay attention!"  
Percy picked up his pencil.

During the lab, he could not get his mind off Annabeth. _Those stupid owl pellets! _A strange shadow passed by the small window in the classroom door, and Percy thought there was someone out there. It could be a monster. Or just a creeper. Or it could be... Annabeth. _AARGH! I have to stop thinking about her. Maybe I should go splash some water on my face and clear my brain. _He went up to the teacher's desk. "I, um, could I go to the nurse's office? I don't feel good," Percy lied. He had to get out of class and find that creeper, and take his mind off Annabeth while at it.  
The teacher wrote him a pass, and he threw his stuff into his backpack and hightailed it out of class.

Percy glanced down the hallway for any signs of the mystery visitor. Nothing. He kept walking, determined to find the creeper. A mysterious figure hurried down the hall toward Percy, and his nerves tingled. _Who is that? Is it a monster? _The stranger was wearing a black shirt and jeans, messy dark hair covering its face, if it had one. Percy couldn't tell; the stranger had its head down. It was teenager-sized, albeit a bit on the short side, but with the slight build of an unfortunate freshman who hadn't yet hit his growth spurt. Percy's hand involuntarily strayed to his pocket containing Riptide, then dropped to his side when he realized who the stranger was and what he was holding.

It was Nico, with a hall pass in his hand. "What are you staring at?"  
"Er...nothing. What are you doing here?"  
"I'm at school. What else?"  
"Since when?"  
"Last week. I'm also going to be living with your family, in case your mom hasn't told you yet. Long story. I'll tell you later." Nico walked off.

_Since when does Nico show up at my school? He could have been that creeper. No, he isn't. _Percy's thoughts drifted back to Annabeth. Curse those stupid owl pellets and that stupid lab. They could fall into Tartarus for all he cared. Annabeth would not be wandering around his school. Definitely not. She was probably back home in San Francisco, at her own school. It was a funny thought, Wise Girl having to go to school the same way that he did. _Annabeth could be that creeper. She probably already graduated and moved to Olympus to supervise all the architecture stuff. No, she couldn't!_

An arm grabbed Percy from behind and nearly strangled him in what was either a choke hold or a back death hug. "Hey, Seaweed Brain. Long time no see. I can't believe you ran away from those owl pellets, you wimp!"

Percy nearly jumped with surprise and joy. "Annabeth?!"

**So, how did you like it? Sorry for all the loose ends, this is only the first chapter. Keep checking for updates!**


	2. Chapter 2: Amnesia

**I own nothing... don't sue. Another one-shot of randomness. teehee.**

**AMNESIA...**

The doorbell rang obnoxiously with a sick dying-cow-meets-bee noise. "Mom, we have to fix that doorbell," Percy reminded his mother.  
"I know. I'll get it. You have to finish your homework, some of your grades have slipped into your father's territory."  
"Mom!" Sure, a few of Percy's grades were swimming below C level (**A/N: I know, stupid pun) **but whoever was at the door was way more interesting than his history textbook. After all, it was a Saturday morning, Percy's teacher stepdad had forced him to miss a few glorious hours of sleeping in and now his mother loved the idea, and procrastination was only the normal thing to do.

"Hello?" Percy heard his mother ask.  
"Are you Sally Jackson?" inquired an elderly, raspy voice.  
"Yes." There was a pause. "Who are you?"  
The old woman cackled. "That doesn't matter. You have agreed to blah blah blah and legal obligations this and some-or-another-formalities-that blah blah blah call me if you have any problems. Or call Hades."

_What?! Call Hades? What's going on? _Percy wondered. He slammed his face into his textbook, resisting the urge to pull out Riptide and guard the door. It sounded like a monster.

"Percy?" his mother called after the weirdo from the door had left. There was some shuffling outside his door. "Nico is here."

_this day gets even more confusing. Aargh. What's he doing here? _Percy left his boring textbook in favor of finding out exactly what was going on. "Hi, Nico."  
"Hi, Percy."  
The awkward silence that followed was more awkward than...um...an awkward silence.  
Percy's mother smiled. "I have to leave for work now. Percy, please finish your homework. Paul will be home sometime this afternoon. (**A/N: I don't remember if Sally and Paul Blofis got married. Anyway, let's say they did, for the purpose of this story.) **And you-" she turned to Nico-"find something to do that does not involve bothering Percy before he finishes his homework." she left.

"What kind of conspiracy is this?" scowled Nico. "First, I end up at some stupid school where everyone seems to hate me, and I'm living by myself in the sketchiest neighborhood that's in the area of the school. Then one of my dad's minions tells me to pack my stuff and get over here right away. It tells me I'm going to be living here for the rest of the year and just dumps me here, and your mom thinks I'm just a random friend here to hang out even though I'm carrying a suitcase and IT told her a lot of crap about legal obligations and whatever."  
Percy shrugged. "I have no idea. No one said anything to me."  
"I just did. Now tell me the truth. What's going on?" A very familiar-looking plant rested on Percy's windowsill, visible through the open door of Percy's room. "Is that...the same plant you had there the first time I came here?" (**A/N: ****_The Titan's Curse_****, or maybe another one of the books. at the end of the book, Nico shows up at Percy's apartment.)**  
"you've been here before? I don't remember that."  
"I have. but I don't remember when. or why. I've just been here before." Nico's voice broke. "I don't even know who you are, or what you want from me! The whole freaking world, no one remembers anything, I don't remember anything..."  
"Congratulations! You two have just won an all-expenses-paid trip to..." A tall woman in a business suit stood next to them.  
"Who are you?" snapped Nico.  
"And what are you doing here?" _Gods, _though Percy. _That's the five millionth time I've asked that question in two days.  
_"Nowhere!" exclaimed the woman. "I'm Jeannie Mnemosyne, and I will be your host for today."  
Nico twisted his skull ring anxiously. Percy rolled his eyes. "just get to the point already."  
the woman sighed. "okay, okay. I'm actually the goddess Lethe, as in the river Lethe, and have you had any amnesia lately? I'm here to help."  
"Amnesia?"  
"Yes, amnesia. Forgetting."  
_Amnesia. Hmmm._ Percy frowned. _I've forgotten a lot of things. Speaking of forgetting, who am I, and where am I, and...  
_Nico avoided eye contact with Lethe. "I don't remember who you are, or who I am, or why I'm here, but I don't trust you." He gripped the hilt of his sword, which he'd forgotten was there. Wait, what was a sword? And what was amnesia?  
Lethe giggled. "Care for some soda?" She produced two cans of Sprite from her briefcase.  
"What's that?" asked Percy.  
Nico jumped up from the chair he had been sitting in, brandishing his sword at Percy. "Who are you, and what do you want?!"  
Percy smirked and pulled out Riptide. "'My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'" He lunged at Nico, who parried his sword strokes with a high level of skill considering that he had forgotten pretty much everything. The two boys circled each other, in a full-on swordfight while Lethe watched, amused. suddenly Percy fell backwards, a red stain blooming on his shoulder. Lethe doused him with water from a fire hose, also from her briefcase which was now starting to look more and more like Dora's Backpack, and he healed and jumped back into the fight. "Okay, break it up," she said.  
The boys put away their swords.  
"You must be tired. And sweaty. Ew, it smells like BO in here." Lethe sprayed Axe all over the apartment. "Snap out of it, you two. Aren't you ashamed of yourselves, sons of the Big Three, fighting like that?" She vanished without a trace. Nope, not even the scent of Axe.

Percy blinked. He finally remembered the question he was going to ask, before getting derailed by the five million "What are you doing here's" of the past two days. "So," he asked Nico, "What are you doing here?" Okay, five million and one.  
"Well, Hades thought it would be a good idea for me to have somewhere to stay in the real world, outside of camp, so he sent me here, of all places. I don't know why. Probably just couldn't think of anywhere else."  
"Well, it's kind of close to camp."  
"Not my first choice."

"Well, where would you have gone? Boarding school in Rome? The Bermuda Triangle, you know, the sea of monsters?" Percy just got a really stupid idea. "Calypso's island?"  
Nico ignored him. "So your mom didn't tell you I was staying here? Forgetful."  
"That's why I saw you at school yesterday."  
Nico bit his lip, hoping what he was going to say wouldn't be completely stupid. "Ever feel like you've forgotten something important, but you don't know what it is, or why, and you just don't remember anything?"  
"Amnesia?"

**So...how are you liking the story so far? Review please! Flames welcome. I love suggestions. **

**Oh yeah, it's not over yet. **

**And check out my stuff on Fiction Press! I have the same user name FYI.**


	3. Chapter 3: Moon Cakes

**WHERE ARE ALL THE REVIEWS?! HAVE THEY ALL VANISHED WITHOUT ME KNOWING?!**

**Enough rambling and let's get on with the story.**

**I own nothing.**

**MOON CAKES**

"Hey, Frank," Percy said over the phone (demigods could now have cell phones because of Leo's latest invention, cell phones that didn't attract monsters. Too bad they were super dumb phones)

"I'm going on a date with Hazel this afternoon," Frank replied.

"Where?"

"Chinatown. It's the Mid-Autumn Festival, so we're going to see a street performance and eat moon cakes."

"What are those?"

"Hard to explain. It's a traditional Chinese dessert that's like...Look it up. I have to go soon. Bye." Frank hung up.

Percy poured himself a bowl of cereal and a glass of milk and sat down at the table. Sally smiled at him. "I was wondering when you were going to get up," she said. "It's almost noon. When's Annabeth coming?"

_What? It's almost noon?! _If this was an anime, Percy would have sweatdropped. "Oh crap! She's coming over at noon!" He stood up abruptly and left the table then fled to his room to get ready for his date. He scampered to brush his teeth and dug through the closet in an aimless panic, tripping over Nico's still unpacked suitcase. _Why doesn't he just unpack the stupid suitcase? He got here a week ago._ "NICO!" Percy yelled, forgetting that Nico was visiting camp for the weekend. "UNPACK YOUR [CENSORED] SUITCASE!"

"Language, Percy," Sally reminded him.

Finally Percy managed to throw on a shirt and shorts just as the doorbell rang. He scrambled to greet Annabeth at the door. She grinned. "Hi, Seaweed Brain. Did you just wake up?"

Percy blushed. "Yup."

Annabeth rolled her eyes. "You never change."

"Where are you two going and when will you get back?" Sally asked quickly changing the subject.

"Wanna go to Chinatown?" Percy suggested. "Frank and Hazel are going in San Francisco for the Mid-Autumn Festival or something." Annabeth always liked some kind of educational-sounding adventure.

"Sure, why not? I have to be back at camp by nine otherwise the harpies will get me. I'm just visiting, but, still," replied Annabeth.

"Sounds fine with me," Sally said. "Have fun!" She sent them out the door.

"Since we're going to Chinatown, why don't we get lunch first? Then we can go to the street fair on [whatever] street. They have a martial arts demonstration and the legend of the Moon Festival. After that we should have dinner and go home," Annabeth was already planning.

"Aargh," muttered Percy. "It's too early for this."

"It's 12:30. Maybe food will de-zombify your brain."

They found a small, cheap family-run restaurant that Percy immediately regretted going to because the waitress barely understood him (and he didn't understand her either most of the time) and the menu was confusing. He decided to try the "Chinese Sandwich Pockets" which did not look or taste at all like sandwiches.

"I told you to get chow fun or something you know what it is," Annabeth said.

After that they headed for the street fair. Vendors yelled at them in Chinese to buy whatever they were selling and small children ran around screaming. Percy accidentally ran into a little girl with her black hair in two tight buns, causing her to fall down and cry. Her mother apologized profusely while the father cussed him out in Chinese. Annabeth was fascinated with the calligraphy booth and dragged Percy there, and after fifteen minutes they ended up with scrolls of Chinese characters and hands covered in ink. Percy's main interest was the kung fu demonstration and that one guy pretending to eat fire. He took a pixelated picture of it and sent it to Leo, who sent him back a picture of him pretending to eat his own fire off a fork.

Later in the afternoon Percy and Annabeth bought moon cakes from a bakery and sat on a park bench to enjoy them. "That was kind of interesting," Percy remarked about the legend of the Moon Lady.

"I wonder where the gods fall into it," said Annabeth. "Probably something to do with Artemis."

"You got that right." A voice asserted behind them. It was the moon goddess herself. "I go up there every year to visit my friends the Jade Rabbit and Wu-gang the woodcutter. They live on the moon. Someone must have seen me flying up there and started the legend."

"I never knew that," Annabeth said. "Hey, Thalia. How do you like the Moon Festival?"

"Never been to one before," Thalia replied. "I just went to check on Jason and Piper. They're also in Chinatown in California."

Percy laughed. "It must have been Frank's idea first."

"I gotta go," Thalia said. "I'm busy, but just dropped in to say hi. Bye." She and Artemis disappeared.

"Gods," said Annabeth, "we haven't hung out since forever, and when she actually shows up it's only for a few seconds."

"I still don't believe you were considering joining the Hunters," Percy commented.

"Actually, I don't. I'm glad I didn't." Annabeth wrapped her arm around Percy and she gave him a kiss.

"_Ei! Ni men! Ni men wang ji le ni men de qian!" _**A/N: Hey you guys, you forgot your money **It was the bakery owner yelling at them from the counter.

"We don't speak Chinese," stated Annabeth.

"You forget your change! unless leave tip. Five dollar big tip for Wang Xian-Sheng **A/N: Mr. Wang**. You want?"

Percy sheepishly scooped up his change from the counter.

Annabeth grinned. "Some things never change."

"I guess not."

"You didn't get it, Seaweed Brain!"

**Did you get it? **

**Thanks for reading! Review please and flames welcome! Next chapter coming soon.**

**~Schrodinger no Neko**


	4. Chapter 4: You're an IDIOT!

**Yo what up, guys? Neko's back! Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I've been busy with school, writing other stuff, drawing AU Tokyo Mew Mew and PJO pics, and my way too many instruments.**

**NEKO OWN NOTHING!**

**T'ES UN IDIOT!**

Nico fished around in his backpack for a pen, his last one had just gone to Elysium for a lifetime of hard, messy, inky work in the service of the Ghost King. Finding none he asked the guy sitting next to him for one, just before his teacher could yell at him for talking during a test. _Gods,_ he thought irritably, _why am I at this stupid school, taking this stupid French test? _He knew the answer to that, but like with all important questions, it never hurts to ask again. Nico racked his brain for everything he'd learned so far, which had flown away faster than a Dragonite (**A/N: Go random irrelevant Pokémon references! Yeah!**) as soon as the test papers had been passed out.

Half an hour, a lot of wasted ink, and even more blood, sweat, and tears later, Monsieur Effrayant (**means scary because I couldn't find a decent translation for psycho**) collected all the tests and distributed them for grading. that was only one of his faults, student grading. Other than that he was a perverted creep who seemed to be attracted to anyone and everyone. We will say no more for the purposes of keeping it K+, so let your imaginations run wild.

"Don't corrupt me any further," Nico said to the hordes of citrus-fans out there who are probably reading this right now. "I'm already scarred for life, gosh darn it!" Except, knowing Nico, he never says gosh darn it, and not in this case either.

So Schrodinger no Neko stepped in and told him, "You're breaking the fourth wall, Death Breath," before he could do any damage to our story. Neko intelligently vanished like a ninja before he could yell, "Stop calling me Death Breath!" that didn't stop him from saying the aforementioned words, so Neko brought in our old bestie Lethe to erase the readers' and Nico's memories of breaking the fourth wall.

FINALLY! We can continue. (Gods, Nico, thanks for being so difficult!)

Gabrielle's POV (Don't worry, not a Mary Sue OC. I HATE Mary Sues)

Remind me why I am forced to grade the ink-drenched paper of the class oddball, not to mention the class idiot, for the third time in a row. Who does this Monsieur Effrayant think he is, Cupid? I have no desire to touch anything that stupid emo boy has had his hands on, especially not a test paper that half the answers are wrong!

Breaking the fourth wall again: "You're right," Neko affirmed her.

"Who are you?"

"LETHE!"

Back to story (third person POV): Gabrielle wrote a giant F across the page, thinking, _T'es un idiot, Nico. Un idiot qui est si stupide, ton cerveau doit etre plein des trous comme le fromage Suisse._ (**You're an idiot, Nico. An idiot who is so stupid, your brain must be full of holes, like Swiss cheese**) She was from Canada and had spoken French with her family since she was young; she just wanted her easy A without having to deal with strange people like Nico. She shoved the repulsive paper back at M. Effrayant.

Breaking the fourth wall: "Can you quit switching points of view every freaking paragraph?! You're giving me a headache," snapped Nico.

Neko chuckled evilly. "_Je suis une personne terrible, et tu le deja sais. Je peux faire que je veux faire, parce que je suis l'auteur."_ (**I'm a terrible person, you already know that. I can do what I want because I'm the author. Guys, I'm tormenting him with French! Get over it! Who doesn't like to see the main character getting the crap annoyed out of him?!)**

"Stop it, or I'm sending you to my dad."

"You can't. I don't exist in your universe, AND I"M THE GOSH DARN MOTHER OF TURTLES JELLYFISH CREATING ZARKING AUTHOR!"

"That's it."

"LETHE!" *leaves*

Back to story. Third person POV.

Anyway...Nico didn't need to look at his paper to know what it said. He wadded it up and dropped it into the recycle bin because if Persephone found out, she'd tell her mom, who would be annoyed to say the least and you know what I mean by that, as he walked out the door and made a fast break for the gates of freedom.

"Hey!" The voice stopped Nico in his tracks.

"What?" It was Gabrielle.

"_Tu es un idiot._"

**REVIEW PLEASE! I don't want to be one of those jerks who doesn't post until they get a certain number of reviews, but I'm gonna have to do that now. I will not put up a new chapter until I get 3 reviews. I love suggestions and all flames go to...um...Hestia? No, everyone does that. How about...LEO VALDEZ?!**

**Disclaimer: This chapter was created solely for comic relief and a ton of breaking the fourth wall AND advancement of the plot.**

**Watch for Gabrielle and M. Effrayant in WAY later chapters...**

**Over and out!-Schrodinger no Neko**


	5. Chapter 5: 5 Favors

Sorry I will not be posting new chapters for a while...stupid writer's block and busy-ness... so check back sometime in the not too distant future!

See ya later, like 2-3 weeks!

Neko loves you! Bye-bye!

P.S. When I'm gone, can you do me a few favors?

1. Force Nico to read yaoi fics. Whether there is lemons or not depends on how much you're willing to risk getting shipped straight off to the Underworld.

2. Annoy Percy as much as possible for no reason other than the fact that I'm a terrible person

3. Tickle Clarisse but be careful! You have to be a ninja, otherwise you might not get off FF.N alive!

4. Read my work on Fiction Press (same user name)

u/897505/

5. REVIEW it! Flames go to magical story oven to bake yummy story cookies.


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